I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
If everyone who told me that I should be successful gave me $2, then I would be.
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
Anyone get their invitation to the coronation yet?
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
PARKOUR