The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
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…..pretty much.
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
Had to try this trend 😊
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
And then the devil said, “tell her to calm down.”
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
George Washington died in 1799. The first Dinosaur fossil was discovered in 1824. George Washington never even knew Jurassic Park existed.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.