Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
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Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
Is your wife single?
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
If your partner asks, “Do you love your phone more than you love me?”
Lie.
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes