I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
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Battle of the bird feeder
Husband – 3
Squirrels – 85,678
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Love how Scooby-Doo has the ability to speak and the mystery gang is like nbd
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Security Guard: Can I see your ID card?
Me: *flashes card quickly*
SG: Show me your card again.
Me: Bit weird, but OK… *flashes cardigan*
GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry