pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
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In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
8: “You know how Makayla and Abby are our cousins?”
Me: “Yeah”
8: “Did you know that WE’RE also THEIR cousins?!”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[crowd surfs up to the lead singer] can u skip the new album stuff