Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
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*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
stop
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall