When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
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Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
What is the best nickname for a nun in heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer was “Nun of the Above”.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
and now we wait
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.