Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
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Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
It’s the best dill pickle ever, but the restaurant won’t tell me what kind it is. To what lengths will I go to find out? None.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
first you must answer his riddles
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
boss: sorry, we have to let you go
me: in the middle of a work retreat?
boss *severing my rock climbing rope*
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.