Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
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the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
him: anything to declare
me: i don’t really like soup
everyone else in customs: [GASP]
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
So that’s what we looked like?
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
and on the 6th day god created coffee so thee would not commit murder or some shit like that. amen.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
Try and stop me.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.