Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
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Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
*puts on winter boots*
*trudges through newly fallen legos*
My card chip wasn’t reading properly at the gas station so the guy told me to let him “try and slide it in” and all I could do was laugh like I was 12
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
Officer i swear I’ve only had 2 dog beers (14 beers)
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
we all know this pain all too well
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
Hangover status: playing duct, duct, tape with the kids.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit