The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
First rule of being Italian is to tell everyone you’re Italian.
(I can say this cause I’m Italian.)
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
My dad is at it again
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
fiancée: I’ve chosen a date for the wedding
me: WHO IS HE
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.