We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
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Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Tired of true crime podcasts? Then check out my fake crime podcast. In the next episode I go into detail about how back in 1997, my grandma was mugged by a rhinoceros.
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
My cat has Peta on speed dial in case the day should ever come when his pillows aren’t properly fluffed or his filtered water grows tepid.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.