Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
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“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
Sister: You need more friends
Me: *phone vibrates* I have plenty of friends. In fact one just texted me
Text: Carol has put your pizza in the oven
Me: Haha that is classic Carol
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
oh my gosh!!
Note to self: when in a bank and your kids are climbing on the chairs. Don’t yell…
GET DOWN!
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
It’s been my experience that people seem a lot nicer before we get married
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.