If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
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Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
You know you’re getting older when the person telling you to slow down is you’re doctor, not a cop.
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing