all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
You Might Also Like
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
eggs benadryl
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
[Wakes up to a mysterious noise]
Lover, is that you?*Refrigerator hums loudly*
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
2022: I can fix it
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
[NASA March 1970]
Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?
NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!
[NASA April 1970]
[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
shut up and take my money
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*