Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
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We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
23. RT @Highlights: Parents, at what age do you think it’s okay for a child to get his or her own cell phone?
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…
When I’m drafting a legal document, I’ll sprinkle the word “herein” all over that shit like it’s paprika.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
You got this…
Watching a BBC series on surgery, and all the orthopaedic surgeons are like “actually it’s a very sophisticated specialism, of profound delicacy and complexity”
and then there’s this guy:
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku