Let me get this straight. The guy was raised by animals in the jungle with no human contact whatsoever and he named himself George?
You Might Also Like
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
For those without heat in Texas, there are warming shelters throughout the state. See map at link below or call 211 for assistance. If you have a medical device that requires power, call 911. Texas twitter, please add additional resources to this thread.
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.