I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
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Actually, your email does not find me well. I had to talk on the phone twice today, my bananas ripened too quickly and I found a fork in the spoon section of the drawer.
My life is spiraling out of control.
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
You know what? If Argentina wants to cry for me, I’m okay with that.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
WIFE: I just read that men are five times more likely to be struck by lightning than women.
ME *on the roof in my He-Man costume with my sword* BY THE POWER OF GRAYSKULL WHAT HONEY?
My nickname for my mother is Hannibal Lecture.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
when someone compliments me
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
If I ever got kidnapped my kidnapper would be like ‘why are you so good at sitting in one room for a long period of time without showering?’
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
Avoid the embarrassment of mispronouncing their name by immediately forgetting their name
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.