if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
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Interviewer: strengths?
Me: I’m sociable and can pretend to get along with most people….
Interviewer: er, ….. yes ok, right, moving on! Weaknesses?
Me: erm….*thinking furiously*…. bladder??
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
[sitting in airplane exit row]
me: [taps neighbor on shoulder] this power we wield over life and death is intoxicating
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
There’s a butterfly in my office and a nerf gun in my purse. Susan, clear my schedule.