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being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Good morning to everyone but those being intentionally vague. You know who you are!
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
shit just got real
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.