Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
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My wife thinks that I don’t care for her relatives.
I told her that’s not true. I love her mother-in-law more than I love mine.
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
JUDGE: We’re gonna give you 2 months in jail for the cat pyramid scheme and-
ME: [clearing my throat] Purramid scheme, your honor
LAWYERS: …….
JUDGE: On second thought, we’re going to execute you
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
ME: *singing* ’cause we are living in an ethereal world and I am an ethereal girl you know that we are
ST PETER: *pulling trapdoor lever* Nope
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.