Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
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DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
Today I came across a snake that seemed parched and tired, so I gently trickled some water from my water bottle on its snout for a few minutes and it quietly sipped. One of those nature moments that was nice but in retrospect makes me look like some sort of evil forest spirit
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
I accidentally used my wife’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here. Jk she called John Wick
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
12 Signs You Might Have Leprosy – Number 8 is jaw-dropping!
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Does anyone know how to get red wine out of a white cat, and don’t say tears, because I already tried that.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I bet the frankincense guy was all like, “Let’s put the three items in one gift basket and the basket can be from all of us.”