Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
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Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
drivers seem to underestimate how willing i am to get knocked down at a zebra crossing to prove a point
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
lmaaaaaooooooooo
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.