There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
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My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
What flavor cupcake are these
I’m only staying up until midnight to watch this year die.
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
Alway be nice to anyone that has full unhindered access to your toothbrush.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
How Animals React To Smoke
DEER: Bounds away.
MOLE: Retreats to deep tunnel.
BEES, WHO LIVE IN A HOME MADE OF ACTUAL CANDLE WAX: Naptime!
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.