Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
If you watch Titanic backwards, you are an idiot. That is not the way movies are meant to be watched.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until Creepy Stan from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
my wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can’t see the mailbox when she’s backing up?
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
no one:
absolutely no one:
my 8 year old: i hate lasagna if someone ever brought me one when im old id make my wife eat it
ants in the garden ? Run a hose from your bbq gas cylinder and put it into the ants nest and turn it on, just a little, removed hose and carefully light the hole… what could possibly go wrong??
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
A Haiku For My Salad:
I do not like you
You will never be grilled cheese
You make my mouth sad
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Him: how do you call your loverboy?
Me: C’mere loverboy.
Him: and if he doesn’t answer?
Me: ohhhh loverboy
Him: and if he STILL doesn’t answer?
Me:
Him:
Me: FFS, I walk away cause honestly I don’t have time for games.
bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me: