“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
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KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
😜
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
i was having a panic attack and my friend suggested holding a rose quartz so i stopped panicking and just got angry
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
They say that over time pets will start to resemble their owners and I didn’t believe it until I found my cat fast asleep in front of his food bowl
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
58.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you