Happy weekend !
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Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
If you’re charging me $15 for apple cider at a hayride it better contain enough booze to enable me to see a headless horseman.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
Good, good, good, if it isn’t that guy who isn’t very well at grammar
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
“Thanks for the homemade wine. If going blind had a flavour, this would be it.”
* why I’m not allowed to write thank you cards anymore.
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
All conclusions should be drawn in crayon.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”