I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
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(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You鈥檙e lucky it has seats.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
“Mommy, guess what song this is!”
{Horrid shrieking on plastic harmonica}Um Twinkle Twinkle Little Star?
“No try again”
{Murder sounds}Ring Around the Rosie?
“No no, really listen!”
{My ears begin to bleed}(Voice quivering) Happy Birthday?
“Yes!”
(I begin to cry)
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
[TV detective with a photograph walking into any bar]
bartender: *cleaning a glass* yeah I remember that complete stranger, no matter how long ago, how busy we were, or if I even worked here.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 馃檶
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some cr猫me de tomato a la heinz
If I鈥檓 ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it鈥檚 not the middle of the night
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Who snuck Monday in here? 馃檮
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
I鈥檓 sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how鈥檇 you get out of the casket
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”