I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
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Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
“If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my Sven.” -Kristoff
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
There are two types of people, those who are clueless about their kids’ schedules and the other who plan it down to the minute. And they end up marrying each other
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
My cat slept on the couch last night so I guess that means we’re fighting
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.