Walk up to a girl, sniff her hair, and whisper “Perfect. Master will love you.” This is a great way to increase your tolerance to Mace…
You Might Also Like
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Was it something I said?
Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.
I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
I took my cat to the vet in my gardening clothes.
The vet looked me over.
He must’ve decided I looked like a flood victim because he gave me 5 days of meds free.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!