Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
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Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
He is ready
#meowed #TheMeowedClub
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I use the incognito browser to search how to do the things I told my wife I know how to do
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Pro Tip:
If you leave an assortment of tissues, cold medicine, and a big bag of cough drops visible on your desk, coworkers will avoid you!
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
My son, in the restaurant: “Mom! If you don’t stop dancing to Despacito I’m literally going to drink and drive, and I don’t have a license yet.”
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
*son wants to go to water park*
*bring him to water park*
*starts raining*
*he starts crying..because he’s getting wet*this is why I drink
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.