me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
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the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Good man! 👦🏻😡💪👍
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
thanksgiving in nutshell
“Are you sure you want to close 58 tabs?” no I’m not sure what if I need this tracking information for a package that was delivered last week
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
The problem with the world today is that intelligent people are too smart to have children.
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.