I come from a time of excessive Durans.
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gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered
everyone on this work call:
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
I tried memorizing the names of British currency but after a while, I quid trying.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Me: Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the …
Mirror: Comb your hair.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
Too bad they cancelled the Chicago Marathon I was going to run it this year
I’m done travelling by scooter, I moped.
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.