I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
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I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Krampus.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
I love wikipedia
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile