my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
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If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
Justify your alcoholism by having children.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
“Did he dump me because the AI told him to dump me?”
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot