me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
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Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
jesus christ confetti not now
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.