We avoided this particular disaster
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Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Me: *stubs toe*
My voodoo doll: “Ouch! Jeez can’t that idiot get ANYTHING right?!”
“i don’t think people should get murdered” have you considered people are the number one cause of murder in the world? so you support murderers???
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
*seductively annoys the shit out of you*
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?