5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
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Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
You never see baby pigeons because pigeons are cloned by the government. Next question.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing?
Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
whoa whoa whoa we both like to laugh?!
*pretends hand is a telephone*
“Hello, Las Vegas? One marriage, please!”
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
ME: Don’t you see, the treasure is our friendship
PIRATE: …Aye
ME: 😊
P: I cherish ya me matey but honestly ya misled me a tad didn’t ya
I always roll out of bed. Not even morning can trick me into doing a sit-up
My daughter put on a princess dress and asked if I had any “play pretend” outfits so I put on workout clothes.