6: *putting on costume* ok, I’m the superhero! Who wants to be my sidekick, and who’s going to be the bad guy?
Mum: No! It’s bedtime, put your PJs on please!
6:….. alright, so mum’s the bad guy!
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God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
“you changed” bro i was 15
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.
******************
YOU: I murdered someone.
YOUR CAT: Me too.
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are