My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
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Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
Tuesday
“I took care of your clown problem.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
I’ve watched hardened criminals stare each other down on the prison yard but nothing comes close to two four year old girls walking past each other on Halloween sizing up each other’s costumes
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
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