i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
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S M O L
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
[mob about to stone a sinner]
JESUS: Stop! Let he who is without sin throw the first stone.
[mob drops rocks]
JESUS: [picks up rock]
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
If being successful was an amusement park, I’m the kid that drove his bumper car in the corner and can’t get out.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Before we start our poker night, I’d like to take a few minutes and talk to you guys about these great new products from Tupperware…
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.