Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
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Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
ME: *whispering to date as symphony orchestra begins playing beethoven’s 5th* can you believe a dog wrote this
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
me: when… when… when!
life: *continues grating*
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
My 6 year old has already asked me 4,327 questions this morning. I’m seriously considering getting another Vasectomy just to be safe.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂