She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
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[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
OMG, I can’t believe all the people who are out despite the stay at home orders.
…Says the person who’s out despite the stay at home orders.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
“Whaddya say we get together next Thursday and decide what to call these fruits hanging off these palm trees.”
“Ok. It’s a date.”
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
[deciding when to tweet]
Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet