Cats do not subscribe to the laws of physics.
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Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
God *up on a chair, shrieking*: GET IT GET IT GET IT
Mrs God: You know they’re more afraid of you than you are of them *gently sweeps man outside*
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
[First day as a personal chef]
How do you take your poptart?
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
HER: do you own any firearms
ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Was Guy Fawkes hot? Well, by our standards, no. However, he was extremely religious and violent, which was the 17th century’s equivalent of being hot.