if humidity has a million haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 100 haters l, i am one of them. if humidity has 10 haters, i am one of them. if humidity has 1 hater, i am that hater.
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*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
I always have the urge to bite and I hate garlic, I hope they’re signs.
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
Her: I love pizza
Me: *trying to impress* they actually called me pizza face in middle school
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
First they ignore your fanny pack, then they laugh at your fanny pack, then they see you eat gummy bears from your fanny pack, then you win.
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
“There’s someone out there for everyone”.
A really vague Receptionist.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds