Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
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Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
*Telephone Rings*
Advice Nurse: Hello, how can I assist you today?
Werewolf: *sweating* CAN I EAT CHOCOLATE?
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”