We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
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“Where are the new books?”
“On these shelves over here.”
“No, where are the books that are actually new?”
“…These shelves?”
“No, that’s wrong. There’s a book on there that was also there last week. Would you call that new?”
“I mean, they’re not avocados, it’s still good.”
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Scurvy, resistance is fruit aisle.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
God: you’re a kiwi.
Kiwi: so I’m a bird but I can’t fly?
God: true but you can do something other birds CAN’T.
Kiwi: really what’s that?
God: you can smell through your beak so good!
Kiwi:
God:
Kiwi: wanna know what I smell right now?
God: sure!
Kiwi: I smell bullsh-
Top three meanings of “I was just joking”
3. I was just joking.
2. That sounded worse than I thought it would.
1. She looks angry, abort!
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
<reads 15 positive reviews of a product> I’m totally getting this.
<then reads 1 negative review> Forget it, it’s obvious crap.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I’m a bad influence on myself.
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Meowchelangelo
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
sorry I didn’t call the dog ate your phone number
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.