I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
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Haha good job!!
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
the three best gummy flavors, together at last
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Take a day off. Pamper yourself. Visit a spa. Pour melted wax on ur body. Rip the hair out by the roots. Inject poison into ur face. Relax.
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?