What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
My 7yo gave up a simple joke thats good enough 2 laugh at.
Why did the chewing gum cross the road?
Cause it was stuck on the chicken’s foot!
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
Vodka burrito was a success
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
2022: I can fix it
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
Me: I really like your glasses. They’re so cute.
Cashier: I like yours too.
Me: Oh, thank you. I need them to see.* I need them to see?!? I shouldn’t be allowed to speak 😂
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.