Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
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When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with